Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Cohabitation for Dummies

First of all, let me say that I'm sorry for not posting more lately. It's been a busy couple of weeks for me at the church and priorities have to shift sometimes to accomplish God's purpose. I'm hoping to get back in the saddle this week!

I do a ton of marriage counseling. Currently I'm working with about 5 couples who are all having marital issues. In the past 13+ years of ministry I've probably worked with 100+ couples on marriage related issues. Many of these would probably be labeled "crisis marriage counseling" situations. Many of these couples have problems that go back to the fact that they cohabitated before their wedding day. Let me share why I think that's an idiotic thing to do.

Cohabitation makes it easy for bad stuff to move into the relationship, bad stuff like sin against God and each other. Let me clarify that cohabitation in and of itself is not a sin, but it makes it easy for sin to occur.

You can try to make excuses for putting yourself in the "living together" position. We can't afford separate places (though we did before). That is so weak. I hate that one. We aren't sleeping together, he sleeps on the couch every night (really!). He didn't have any place else to go! We moved in because it's closer to work for both of us. We wanted to "try before you buy" and see if we were really compatible (that's what dating is for). Etc, etc.

Just like every prisoner is innocent, almost every cohabitating couple I have counseled is not having sex. It's like the young man whose mother came to visit her son. The mother had her doubts that the "roommate" live-in girlfriend and her son were not sleeping together. She kept her doubts to herself and left when the visit was over saying nothing. A week later her son wrote her an e-mail, "Mom, I'm not accusing you or anything, but we haven't been able to find the remote control to the TV since your visit." To which his mother replied, "Son, I'm not accusing you of anything, but if your "roommate" was sleeping in her own bed you would have found the your remote by now." I'm just saying, like good ole mom, I seriously have my doubts!

Regardless of whether they are having sex or not, I rarely meet "Christian" cohabitating couples who are proud of living together. That's good! We shouldn't be proud of sin. If we are proud of our sin, that shows are unregenerate heart toward God. I've been scared more recently because I have encountered some "Christian" couples that are quite proud of their living circumstances while their children and family members (and church members) are looking on. That's a discussion for another time, but it's concerning and disheartening that couples, even self-professing "Christian" couples, are showing approval for, if not flaunting, their bad choices.

When I meet with Christian couples who lived together before they got married, I see good people who put themselves in a bad position and are paying the price for their choices. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 says that we are to "avoid every kind of evil" AND that we are to avoid things that might make our brothers and sisters in Christ "stumble" (1 Corinthians 10:32). We are definitely not supposed to be having premarital sex with someone we're not married to. You can argue that cohabitation is not sinful in itself, but it looks bad, causes Christian brothers and sisters to stumble, and--from my experience through the years--makes having a good marriage really hard to do.

The Bible teaches that marriage is a covenantal relationship in which God unites a man and woman so they become one. Behind the covenant is the special bond and unity that a healthy sexual relationship brings. Covenants serve to stabilize and secure relationships. Couples that have sex before marriage have convenient love. This "love" breeds insecurity and instability, amongst other things, because there are marital acts that are exchanged with no commitment tied to them. Convenient love and covenant love are not anything alike. Let me point out some comparisons:
Convenient love is at times irrational, while covenant live is rational. Convenient love is only feeling-based while covenant love is thought-based. What will you do when the feelings are gone? Convenient love's goal is happiness; covenant love's goal is joy, a fruit of the Spirit. Happiness will come and go but joy can be for always. Convenient love sees sex as an act of passion while covenant love sees sex as an expression of love and commitment. Convenient love is conditional while covenant love is unconditional. Convenient love avoids disagreements and suppresses them while covenant love processes disagreements and engages them. Convenient love stays...till something better comes along while covenant love stays for good. Convenient love is about me while covenant love is about you. Convenient love is insecure while covenant love is secure.

I could go on and on but I think that you get the point. Instability and insecurity kills marriages. When Amy and I got married, neither one of us had lived with someone of the opposite sex (except family, of course). It was pure adventure and so much fun when we got married and had to work through...well literally...everything. What time and how did we go to bed? What were our routines like? What household duties would we share or take on ourselves? It was wonderful figuring all of that out with the love of my life! Experiencing all of these new things together bonded us in a very powerful way.

Cohabitation (convenient love) doesn't make a marriage more secure...it has the exact opposite effect. Did you know that 40% of people who live together will end their relationships before marriage? Did you know that that couples who live together before marriage have the highest separation and divorce rates? And when there are families created before marriage (with kids), the rates only go higher. I just recently read that women who lived with their husbands before marriage have nearly 80% higher divorce rates than those who did not. That's astounding!

Let me cut to the chase, I think that cohabitation is an idiotic way to start your life with a possible mate. I've seen nothing good...nothing good, come of it. You can read statistics and talk to couples who are starting to grow up and get it and see the pain in their lives. Or you can take it from a preacher who does a ton of marriage counseling and would prefer to do much less of it!

Remember, Satan prowls like a roaring lion, seeking who he will devour. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Don't let him do it in your relationship with the one you love. Also, help a friend not make the same mistake either!

No comments: